When I decided to make the bold decision to become a single mother, I lost Adrianna.
I had only been in New York for 5 months.
I had only been separated from my husband for 7 months.
I moved to New York to live my best Carrie , Sex and the City life after my husband made it very clear that our marriage was over.
I had tried for years to get pregnant during my marriage without any luck. We met with the Maternal-Fetal Medicine team and after several tests, I was informed it was not possible for me to get pregnant due to my renal failure, but if I happened to get pregnant it would not be safe for me or the baby and would likely end in miscarriage. After that appointment, I had given up all hope and every time someone mentioned that I should become a mom, I would always respond like a robot, “it’s never going to happen for me”.
While I was living in Brooklyn, a friend let me stay with him and it turned into more than a friendship. I was only supposed to be staying there until I secured my apartment. SIDE NOTE: Getting an apartment in New York City is like buying a house.
After two very short months of staying with my friend, falling in lust with this friend, thinking I could not get pregnant, and knowing he did not want to be a father, I was pregnant.
It was the day after Valentine’s Day in 2019, I knew I had to be pregnant because I was barely making it through Target, without sitting down feeling like I could throw up any second. I grabbed two pregnancy tests while in the store and took a test when I got home. And boom, my suspicions were correct. Although I knew the circumstances could be devastating, I knew that this was NOT the ideal situation and I knew that I would be a single mother if I chose to continue with my pregnancy. I went to bed that night praying that if God would see me through this pregnancy and allow me to keep this child, I would do anything to protect this baby.
The moment I informed family, friends, and the person I was pregnant by with my decision to continue the pregnancy, I felt immense shame and guilt because the girl who loved to check off her checklist of life accomplishments had died with that decision.
I was legally married to a different person.
I was pregnant by this guy I barely knew.
And yet, God blessed me with a miracle in the middle of my mess.
Deciding to become a single mother to my miracle child, birthed someone who I did not even know I could ever become.
Do you know how Drake says “I’ve been hotter since the birth of my son”?
Yep? THAT’S ME!
When I lost Adrianna but in the end I found Astin’s hot, warrior mama.
