I am not sure why this happens to me every Mother’s Day, but I feel the blues coming on.

I still have so much spiritual healing to work on due to trauma during my birth experience and staying in the NICU for almost 6 months. I share this because I know I am not alone in how I feel about Mother’s Day. I would love to say I look forward to it but I do not.

As a single mom, I often feel unseen and unheard by family members and my son’s father. Conversations, activities, parties, phone calls, and gifts are always about my child. And I feel guilty for even wanting a day all about me because I chose Astin. I chose Astin, so I often feel like my invisible load can only be carried by me alone. Last year, I was so depressed on Mother’s day, that I went to brunch with Astin and a friend. And I also went to Target (my favorite place ), it was cold, we were in an uber. I thought it would cheer me up but it made things worse because the store was filled with dads and kids.

I know that no one can read my mind but I felt so unappreciated for all my hard work as a mom. I know Astin is so very young and I am so grateful for my friends who sent flowers and gifts. I was just in this weird space, where I expected a gift or free babysitting day from his dad but instead, it was a weird text message about me choosing to be a single mom and just extra stuff that he could keep. He could have kept the entire message honestly and just sent some coins. And when I mentioned it to him, he said he did not know he was supposed to buy me a gift. And I realized he was right, no one is obligated to gift me something for what I am blessed to do every day.

This year I plan to get rid of the blues and lean into gratitude. I have booked brunch, a staycation in Washington, D.C., and an adventure for Astin and me.

Share in the comments what are you doing for yourself this Mother’s Day!

To Read more about Mother’s Day and how to make it special read the blogs below :

The Perfect Mother’s Day Cocktail

Make Mother’s Day Special

21 Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

10 Thoughtful Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

Mother’s Day with a Sneak Peak

Sustainable Gifts for Mother’s Day

When I decided to make the bold decision to become a single mother, I lost Adrianna.

I had only been in New York for 5 months.

I had only been separated from my husband for 7 months.

I moved to New York to live my best Carrie , Sex and the City life after my husband made it very clear that our marriage was over. 

I had tried for years to get pregnant during my marriage without any luck. We met with the Maternal-Fetal Medicine team and after several tests, I was informed it was not possible for me to get pregnant due to my renal failure, but if I happened to get pregnant it would not be safe for me or the baby and would likely end in miscarriage. After that appointment, I had given up all hope and every time someone mentioned that I should become a mom, I would always respond like a robot, “it’s never going to happen for me”.

While I was living in Brooklyn, a friend let me stay with him and it turned into more than a friendship. I was only supposed to be staying there until I secured my apartment. SIDE NOTE: Getting an apartment in New York City is like buying a house.

After two very short months of staying with my friend, falling in lust with this friend, thinking I could not get pregnant, and knowing he did not want to be a father, I was pregnant.

 It was the day after Valentine’s Day in 2019, I knew I had to be pregnant because I was barely making it through Target,  without sitting down feeling like I could throw up any second. I grabbed two pregnancy tests while in the store and took a test when I got home. And boom,  my suspicions were correct. Although I knew the circumstances could be devastating, I knew that this was NOT the ideal situation and I knew that I would be a single mother if I chose to continue with my pregnancy. I went to bed that night praying that if God would see me through this pregnancy and allow me to keep this child, I would do anything to protect this baby.

The moment I informed family, friends, and the person I was pregnant by with my decision to continue the pregnancy, I felt immense shame and guilt because the girl who loved to check off her checklist of life accomplishments had died with that decision. 

I was legally married to a different person.

I was pregnant by this guy I barely knew.

And yet, God blessed me with a miracle in the middle of my mess. 

Deciding to become a single mother to my miracle child, birthed someone who I did not even know I could ever become.

Do you know how Drake says “I’ve been hotter since the birth of my son”?

Yep? THAT’S ME!

When I lost Adrianna but in the end I found Astin’s hot, warrior mama.